Veteran Fathers Celebrate the Importance of Family in the Recovery Process
More than 200 Veterans and their families gathered on June 8 in the auditorium at the Baltimore VA Medical Center for the first-ever Father’s Day program, “Fathers 2010: Better Fathers, Better Futures.” The program, planned and implemented by Veteran fathers participating in the VA Maryland Health Care System’s Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) program’s Father’s Group, aimed to call attention to the importance of family in the recovery process.
Geoffrey Greif, PhD, a professor at the University of Maryland School of Social Work and a nationally-known expert on fatherhood, men’s friendships, divorce and family issues, delivered a keynote address that chronicled the 100-year-long history of Father’s Day. His presentation included 10 tips for being a better father and touched on the importance of fathers in the lives of children. Veteran Steve Johnson, a songwriter and musician, performed a few original tunes on his guitar as part of the event.
The Father’s Group—an elective psychoeducational group that is part of the VA Maryland Health Care System’s Mental Health Intensive Outreach Program—offers a holistic perspective for men struggling to kick substance abuse issues. The treatment includes improving relationships with the children and family members for all the group’s participants. Group members support each other in their efforts to establish, develop, and strengthen a meaningful, reliable and consistent fathering presence in the lives of their children and grandchildren.
During the program, members of the fast-growing Father’s Group spoke about how their involvement in the group spurred their personal growth. For many, participating in the group forced them to come to terms with issues about themselves that they may not have wanted to face or were in denial about, and by facing those issues, they began facing some reasons for their struggles with addictions. “Being part of the group was so important because the other members would keep me in check,” said Trevor Lane, a former Marine who joined the group in March. “When I first joined the group, I thought I was different and that none of the stuff they said would happen to me. Well, they proved me wrong. I was no different than anyone else. They said if you put your addiction first, you’d lose everything else and that happened, even though I thought it never would happen to me.”
For Lane, participating in the Father’s Group “is one big learning session. For those of us who grew up with fathers, we examine things our fathers did, and didn’t do and also the mistakes they made that we don’t want to repeat with our own children. We learn how to reconnect with our children because it becomes hard, especially after you’ve been away.” One of the things that impressed Lane when he first joined the group was a sheet of paper with statistics of how fatherless children fare. “I looked at that sheet and saw that fatherless children ended up in jail, addicted to drugs, and in other troubles in far greater numbers than children with fathers present in their lives and I knew I didn’t want that to happen to my children.” Lane told the audience: “It’s easy to father a child. It’s hard to be a father to a child.”
Tony Cox, another former Marine, echoed the sentiments. Cox, a Baltimore native, became a single parent the moment his son was born nearly 18 years ago. Cox discussed the rigors of being a single father while battling his “ordeal with drugs,” his multiple efforts to kick them, and his self-delusion about what a good father he was during the time he was getting high.
“When I was using, I made sure my kid had clean clothes, good shoes, and I provided everything just so that people couldn’t say I was neglecting my child. But when I came to the group and people told me I neglected my child, I’d get all mad and point to all the things I provided him. Then they said, ‘You neglected your child mentally,’ and it took me awhile to understand that and come to terms with it. I had to understand and accept what they said was true.”
Cox also stated that he learned that his son had “his eye on me.” He knew things about his father that Cox believed he’d been able to hide. The most telling sign that his son was “watching” how he behaved came after Cox enrolled in college. “Before that, my son said he wasn’t interested in attending college, but afterwards, he started bringing home brochures asking me to take a look at them with him.” Cox currently is enrolled in Baltimore City Community College and plans to earn a bachelors degree from Coppin, but his son, who graduated high school this year, leaves for college in the fall. “I realized that I had to participate in my own recovery and take responsibility for it, that’s when the treatment began to stick,” he said. The group helped him realize, he said, that there are three aspects to fathering: “A spiritual aspect, a recovery aspect, and the aspect of what it means to be a man and take care of our families.”
Mark Arenas, PhD, a psychologist in the VA Maryland Health Care S ystem’s Mental Health Clinic, facilitates the Father’s Group, which meets weekly. Arenas says the men often come because of substance and addiction issues, but those issues become only the starting points. “The men start there with the substance issues, but then realize they have bigger fish to fry and larger goals they want to achieve.”